Assariyah Read online

  Assariyah

  Still Standing

  LaʼToya Makanjuola

  Copyright © 2014 La'Toya Makanjuola

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study,

  or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents

  Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in

  any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the

  publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with

  the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries

  concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

  Matador®

  Unit 9 Priory Business Park

  Kibworth Beauchamp

  Leicester LE8 0RX, UK

  Tel: (+44) 116 279 2299

  Fax: (+44) 116 279 2277

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

  ISBN 978 1784628 086

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador® is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Epilogue

  For Auntie Lorna Ann Jackson-Chin

  Forever in our hearts with love.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Above all I give THANKS to God Almighty. Without you Father I am nothing.

  A special thank you to my mummy, my best friend and my everything. Your love and support is immeasurable. You are more than amazing, I love you mum. Daddy, you are always in my heart and I love you. My brother Deji, I’m so proud to be your sister. Remember you can do anything. I love you more than I love myself D. Kaleem and Ajani, my beautiful nephews, you guys are growing up so fast. I love you both endlessly! You keep me smiling. To my grandparents, I hope you are in heaven smiling down on us. You are missed dearly.

  My beautiful sisters, Asia Bee, Kelly and Amoy, thank you for always being there for me. We are too crazy together ha-ha. Your friendship is priceless to me. I love y’all forever. MeGa baby you are everything. I love you always. Keep your head up and never let them see you sweat. My girl Eve, I know we don’t get to see each other as much anymore but I have nothing but love for you always. My beautiful goddaughter Tyesha, be a good girl for your mum and look after your gorgeous little brother Kyan. I love you all. My girl Saffron, you are special to me. I love you.

  Much love to Auntie Kanyin, you are such a beautiful soul, I love you. Auntie Liz you are so strong, I love you. Anna-Maria I know you are a big girl now but you will always be my sweet little baby. Stay beautiful, I love you so much. Uncle Jacob and the Adu family I love you all. Auntie Bridget, I can’t thank you enough for your love, support and kindness. Love you loads.

  I have such a big family it’s unreal, if I were to list you all individually that would be another book in itself lol! A big shout out to the Makanjuola family, I love you all. My family and friends all over the world, I love each and every one of you.

  A very special thank you to everyone that read ‘Assariyah-Money over Everything’ and requested a sequel. Thank you for your support and patience. God bless you all. The wait is finally over!

  FlawLessDiamondKisses

  xxMwahxx

  CHAPTER 1

  It was pouring down with rain the afternoon I was released. As I walked through the prison gates, I inhaled the sweet smell of freedom. Once I was safely outside of the gates that had kept me trapped, suffocated and confined for the last seven years, I took a moment to stand still. I let the rain beat down on my body. To me the rain symbolised a fresh start. The rain was washing out my past demons, sleepless nights, the hurt, the pain, the loss, but nothing could wash away the emptiness. I still had a long journey ahead of me to be where I wanted to be.

  The prison guards gave me some money for transportation, which I was grateful for because I didn’t have a single penny to my name. I followed the road signs and kept walking until I reached Caledonian Park Station. I was bedraggled and looked like a wet rat, but I was free from the cage. The only thought on my mind was getting to my mama’s house. That was the only place I could go.

  Seven years may not seem like a lot of time, considering I could have been facing thirty years. However there is something about being caged like an animal that drives you crazy. No matter how strong you are, you have your good and bad days. Meditation and prayer kept me sane, but a part of my spirit died. It died not only in prison but the day that Jasmina killed my baby. Another part of me died when I lost Cameron for good. So you see there is very little of me left.

  A lot can change in a day, so seven years away from your surroundings and everything familiar becomes unfamiliar. A stranger in a lost land is the best way to describe how I felt. As I approached my childhood street, I noticed that so many things still looked the same but it was different at the same time. Everything looked bigger to me but in reality there was no change. I felt smaller in the open space, after being confined behind four walls for so long the world seemed so much bigger in my eyes.

  I walked up to my childhood home slowly. The last time I was here was seven years ago. I came to see Ma, we sat down and ate jollof rice with chicken. Ma gave me a serious talk about my ways and how unless I changed, my life would continue to go down a downward spiral. I promised myself I would change, I really wanted to. I had just found out I was pregnant after many years of thinking I wasn’t even able to carry a baby. I had seen this blessing as my miracle. After dinner Ma had gone to lie down. I remember clearing up and then a copy of Pride magazine distracted me. I was flicking through and admiring the latest must have pieces when I got a shock. There was an article about the UK’s black successful power couples and I saw a picture of Stephen Richards, my latest and last client. He flew me out to Miami for a couple of weeks, all expenses paid and seventy grand for each week I was out there. Seeing Stephen wasn’t such a big deal, the major blow was who he was with. Standing right next to Stephen was my ex-best friend, Jasmina. The crazy bitch who had ruined my life by reading out sordid details of my affair with Tyler right in the middle of my wedding ceremony to Cameron. Yep in front of everyone, Cam, Mama, the priest and everyone fucking one.

  She had destroyed my one chance at true happiness and at the time I had wanted to get my revenge. Karma was a bitch and she deserved double dose for her callousness. According to the article, Jasmina was now a doctor and together with her MP husband they were pulling in major dough. Naively I saw this as my lucky break, I put a plan together and decided to blackmail Jasmina and Stephen. She had stolen everything from me and I so badly wanted her to feel a fraction of the pain and hurt she had caused me when she destroyed my happy ending with Cam.

  I ran home and looked through my things, I was pleased to find out that I still had the footage of Stephen and I fucking at the Setai in Miami. I made a few copies on DVD and mailed
one to Jasmina and Stephen. I demanded five million pounds in cash from them and stated that if I didn’t have the cash, her husband’s dirty affair would make front page news.

  Five million was life changing or so I thought back then. I was convinced that my unborn child and I would be set for life. I had been in a foolish state of mind and believed in money over everything. Laughable now really, considering I lost everything. What use was five million, or any amount in fact, without your freedom?

  Back then I had been caught up on getting my revenge and getting my hands on the money. I was thrilled when Jasmina contacted me and agreed to meet up but things hadn’t gone as planned.

  She had laced my drink with Mifeprex and then taunted me that she had caused me to have a miscarriage. I was blinded by fury and in a moment of madness I had reached into my Birkin, grabbed my Snubnose.38 and pulled the trigger. I emptied five rounds into her before turning the gun on myself. My baby was dying inside me, there was nothing left for me on earth and I wanted to end it all. I pulled the trigger but it was in vain. I was out of bullets.

  As they were a high profile couple, living in an exclusive area, police, ambulance sirens and even reporters had quickly surrounded the scene. I was arrested and was told that I was facing at least thirty years. Luckily Cam hooked me up with a formidable lawyer, Barry Grant, and he got me off on a lesser charge. I got seven years, I did my time and now that I was free from the prison bars I just wanted to see my mama.

  That was then and this is now. I took a deep breath before pressing the doorbell. To my surprise my sister Nayla opened the door.

  “Assariyah,” she uttered in shock.

  “Hey Nayla.”

  “What are you doing here? I thought…”

  “I got released today and wanted to see Ma. I didn’t know where else to go.”

  The look on her face changed, her eyes filled up with sadness.

  “Assariyah…” she paused. “Ma died.”

  “Oh my God… No!”

  I was overcome by sorrow. She had to be wrong, Ma couldn’t be dead.

  “No, no, no, no, no, this can’t be true.” I cried uncontrollably. “How? What? When? Why?”

  “You better come in and sit down.”

  My brain told my legs to put one foot in front of the other, but somewhere along the lines of communication my legs missed the memo. I stood frozen still, I couldn’t move.

  “I said you better come in,” Nayla pressed.

  Slowly I remembered how to use my legs and made it into my childhood home. The smell, the layout was different, so many memories on the verge of being erased. I refused to believe what Nayla had told me about Ma, but looking around I knew it was true.

  “What happened? When? How? Why didn’t you fucking write to tell me?”

  Tears began to fall down my face, my heart ached beyond description.

  “I had a right to know, I had every right to be there at Ma’s funeral. She was my mother too. How could you? You robbed me of my chance to say goodbye.”

  “And you robbed Ma of her life, you cut her life short. It’s all your fucking fault she’s dead.”

  “What? How can you say such a thing?”

  “How can I say such a thing? Well let me see … First you brought shame on the family by having your whorish ways broadcasted in the middle of your disgraceful wedding ceremony.”

  “You have no right! Ma forgave me.”

  “Forgave you yes, forgot … no! But you know just when she was slowly getting back to herself, you had to go and commit fucking murder.”

  “You make it sound like I did it on purpose. I never meant to kill her.”

  “Fuck what you meant to do … Let’s talk about what you did do. When you pulled that trigger, you didn’t just kill Jasmina, you killed Ma too.”

  Her words were like daggers to my heart, what was she saying?

  “The day you got arrested, Ma was worried sick out of her mind, then you got sentenced and she died on the inside. She couldn’t bear the thought of you in prison. Why do you think she only visited you once? After that visit, her blood pressure went out of control. She was in and out of hospital for years. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep. Stress and a broken heart killed her.”

  “My God, I had no clue, whenever she wrote she said she was fine. When her letters finally stopped coming and I didn’t get a response over the last six months, I just thought she needed a break. Why didn’t you tell me Nayla … Why?” I screamed before breaking down in pieces.

  “Why? Because I blame you Assariyah, you broke her heart, stress killed her. You robbed me of my mother, robbed my children of their grandmother and I don’t want shit to do with you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Nayla forgive me. I have nowhere else to go.”

  “This is our home now and you’re not welcome. You are poison, pure poison Assariyah. Now get out and don’t you ever come back here. You are dead to me, fucking dead!” She cried as she pushed me out of the house.

  She slammed the door behind her with so much anger, I was surprised the glass didn’t shatter. I wish it had because I needed something to slit my throat with. Ma was gone, I was all alone and had nowhere to go.

  CHAPTER 2

  I ended up in my childhood park, it was located roughly ten minutes away from where we lived but I have no idea how long it took me to get there. I was discombobulated, getting out of jail was supposed to be a fresh start for me but I felt like my life was already over.

  ‘It’s all your fucking fault she’s dead.’ Nayla’s words replayed over and over again in my head. Was she right? Did I kill Ma? The very thought of not seeing Ma’s beautiful face again sucked the air right out of my lungs. How could Ma be gone? I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, to pay my final respects to the amazing woman who had given me a life line in more ways than one. No, Ma couldn’t be dead, she just couldn’t be. Ma was superwoman, she handled it all but maybe Nayla was right. I was Ma’s kryptonite, I was radioactive poison. Everything I touched got destroyed.

  Ma was gone, I had absolutely no money and to top it all off, I was now homeless. In jail, getting out was all that I could think about. I thought constantly of Ma, my baby and Cameron. I prayed every night to God for forgiveness. I craved a new start, a new beginning, a chance to right my wrongs but so far I was doomed.

  Motherless, fatherless, husbandless, childless and friendless. My own sister, my flesh and blood disowned me, knowing full well I had nowhere to go. ‘You’re dead to me, fucking dead.’ Her words echoed in my ears. I was officially alone in the world and to say I felt lost was a big understatement.

  I stayed on the park bench all night. I hadn’t slept a wink. I was freezing, starving and thirsty but I was not hungry for food, nor did I thirst for water. My body was not cold as a result of the dropping temperature. Rather I longed for the warmth and affection of my mother. My soul yearned for the things that once were, but were now gone forever. I still could not come to terms that my mama was d.... I couldn’t even bring myself to say the word. Nayla had to be wrong, this had to be some kind of sick joke. It had to be, because this couldn’t be life.

  I had to go and see Nayla again, there had to be another explanation, there just had to be. I tried to lift myself from the bench that I sat on but yet again my body and brain failed to communicate with one another. I attempted to stand again but I was unable to move.

  My body was covered in goose bumps, my legs felt numb and heavy but any physical pain that I should have felt was overpowered by my aching soul. I tried several times to move without any success. Finally on my eighth or ninth attempt I was able to stand. Putting one foot in front of the other, I slowly made my way back to my childhood home. Luckily for me the streets were fairly quiet. The last thing I needed was someone calling the police on me because I looked like I didn’t belong. At that thought I quickened my pace. The quicker I got to the house, the better.

  As I approached the house, I saw Nayla and the twins pulling out of the d
riveway. I tried to wave her down but I was too late. Damn, what I’m I going to do now?

  I weighed up my options in my head. I could attempt to try my luck by climbing through a window. However, I quickly discarded that thought. I could not risk drawing too much attention to myself. It was safer to go through the front without forcing an entry. I could not afford to go back to jail, it was not an option. I would die first. As I had only spotted Nayla and the twins. I figured that there was still a chance that Eric could be at home.

  Without further hesitation I knocked on the door.

  “What did you forget babe?” Eric asked as he swung the door open. He was clearly expecting Nayla.

  “You,” he said in shock, when he realised that I was not her. “What are you doing here Assariyah? Nayla told me that she made it clear that you are not welcome in our home.”

  “Damn you Eric, this is my family home. I’m not asking for much but I’ve been inside for the last seven years. Things are not how I left them. Not once did I imagine that Ma would be gone by the time I got out.”

  “Look Assariyah, I’m sorry things are not how you expected, but you can’t stay here. If Nayla knew I was talking to you it would cause havoc. I need you to leave now.”

  “Why does everyone keep pushing me away? I have nowhere to go.”

  “You can’t stay here Assariyah.”

  “Damn it Eric, you owe me, you fucking used and abandoned me once before. The least you can do now is help me out.”

  “Look, let’s not go there, leave the past where it belongs.”

  I threw my hands up in frustration, “How the heck am I supposed to do that when no one will help me move forward?”

  “Okay look, you can use the bathroom to freshen up quickly. I’ll lay out some of Nayla’s clothes for you, but after that I need you gone. Nayla will be back from the school run soon. She cannot see you here.”

  This was more my house than it was his and here he was giving me orders. I wanted to scream but simply said, “Thank you Eric.”